A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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