My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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