Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
