Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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