I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize