It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
