I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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