I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
