You're so nebulous sometimes
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
