Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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