My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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