I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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