Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
