i may or may not be watching the land before time
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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