you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
