My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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