2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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