You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
