You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
