the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
do herpes really smell.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
