If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
