you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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