As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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