How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
