You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
