i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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