I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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