The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
