I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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