Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
