I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
