It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize