I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
