So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize