i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
