No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
