Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
