I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We're facebook friends in real life
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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