Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize