last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
