Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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