Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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