I CAN MOONWALK!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
