i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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