you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She bit a glass in half.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
