My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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