She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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