I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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