I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
