My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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