I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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