I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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