i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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