So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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