this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
