It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
