If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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