Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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