I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
