can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
