I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
