I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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