I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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