You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
