I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
