Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
