Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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