From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
