I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
