I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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