Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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