Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
