Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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