I didn't shave. On purpose
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
