I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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